Thermal Clips? What for?
by Vader616
Summary: Starts at ME2. Shepard is not amused by the whole thermal clips thing. And that's just the beginning. Semi-crack, but within reason. Rated M for language.
1. Waking Up

Welcome to my first fic. This will be my attempt at a humorous take on the thermal clips system that replaced the original cooling systems. This is the first chapter, the second is in progress. I have idea if I'll continue linearly, or just put up a collection of snippets after that. One step at a time I _guess._

 _'Thoughts'_

Hope you enjoy! Like it, don't like it, feel free to tell me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect nor any character belonging to them 

* * *

[Shep Wakes up at ME2 Cerberus Base]

"Wake up Commander."

Not exactly words the barely coherent commander wished to hear, still reaching for the oh so seductive wisps of precious slumber he'd been brought out of.

"Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed now – this facility is under attack."

Goddamnit.

Shepard sighed, opening his eyes and tried to yawn. Keyword being _tried._

Pain lanced all over his face and body, but his worry remained riveted on his face.

"Shepard. Your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack."

Scars? Wait. Face = Pain.

' _Ohmagawd NOT THE FACE! Please, NOT THE FACE!'_

"Shepard! MOVE!"

Shepard growled, somewhat annoyed with this sad excuse of an overzealous train announcer; but sat up and looked around. He was in what looked like a science lab, surrounded by highly expensive and sterile looking sciency stuff.

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!"

Shepard took a deep breath to calm himself and not track down and throttle the propagator of the loud female voice; beginning to count upto 10.

He got as far as 3.

"Grab the pistol and armour from the locker."

Shepard's right eye twitched.

He needed to sort out his priorities.

One- the gun.

Two – His face.

Three- Shoot things. Or Loud Female Voice. At this point he wasn't going to be too picky.

Four – Answers.

Lurching off the not-a-bed-wheres-the-damn-pillow, he headed to the locker to find a set of armour and a pistol that wouldn't fire. Odd.

"You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapons and armour!"

' _I LITERALLY JUST PUT THEM ON, FOR FUCKS SAKE.'_

Pinching the bridge of his nose and a deep breath later, Shepard calmed down enough to say,

"This pistol doesn't work."

"It's a Med bay, we'll get you a thermal clip from….damnit!"

Shepard perked up at the last word. At least he wasn't alone in having a bad day.

Also, what on Earth was a thermal clip?

"Keep your head down Shepard! Shield yourself from the blast!"

Eh? Blast? Oh. Those suspiciously oddly placed canisters near the doors that were on fire.

That's a poopstorm just waiting to happen, Shepard mused as he took cover behind a conveniently placed transparent-wall-thing nearby.

He also managed to see a reflection of his face on said transparent-wall-thing.

BOOOM!

His manly scream of horror was muted by the explosion.

The doors grabbed his attention. Namely, the lack of them.

Somehow the double doors had disintegrated. That was some insane concussive force. Shepard began to wonder if that could be weaponised.

"Someone's trying to hack security trying to kill you"

' _Oh, ya think!? Tell me something useful!'_

"Look for a thermal clip for your pistol."

Well whaddya know, the voice could be helpful too. But still, thermal clips? The name was self-explanatory, maybe some experimental tech that limited the number of shots for more firepower?

Strolling to the clip, Shepard loaded his gun with a satisfying _click_. The sound made him smile. Just a bit though. He was still recovering from the shock of his face.

Of course, the Overly Annoying Voice blared out again, prompting another eye twitch.

"Looks like they set up a barricade to try holding the mechs off."

Shepard sighed again. He had so many questions. Who were 'they', where was he, why isn't there a real gun available, why was he alive, what happened to his team, and they kept increasing.

' _Well, time to go to work I guess.'_

Shepard began humming some lyrics that seemed quite appropriate for his situation.

"Last thing I remember, I was~ running for the door… I had to find the passage back to the place I was befo~re..."

\- A trail of battered mechs and a grenade launcher later-

' _Either these mechs are really tough or these thermal clips are shit.'_

Shepard found himself in a room with laptops and a paraplegic mech in it.

He looked at the gun, then at the mech crawling towards him. He promptly stomped on it's neck, killing it instantly.

' _Shitty weapons it is then.'_

Now feeling somewhat annoyed at the lack of decent weaponry, the grenade launcher notwithstanding, he accessed the logs.

Lazarus Project. 4 Billion credits. Back from the dead. Huh.

Hold up.

4 Billion credits? And they couldn't fix his face? What quack doctor was running this operation?

Ah well. He'd find the Voiceover Woman and get answers.

A corridor, a staircase, and some dead mechs later, Shepard had found another human that was willing to take orders from him in battle immediately. Hmm. Odd how that kept happening.

One somewhat confused conversation later Shepard knew some more-

1 – The Overly Annoying Voice called Miranda was the quack running this operation. There. Would. Be . Words.

2 – Two frickin years have passed.

3 – This was a Cerberus Facility. The logo on Jacob's suit was kind of obvious.

4 – Most of the Normandy's crew made it out.

5 – The Alliance and the Normandy survivors believed he was dead.

6 – He needed to get off this station.

As Shepard was going over these points, Jacob was contacted by some chap called Wilson, who took over navigation for them.

\- Some more mech ambushes and some medi-gel later-

"Thanks Shepard. Never thought you'd save my life. Guess that makes us even now."

Shepard had the strangest urge to knock Wilson's teeth out.

\- Some more conversations and combat later -

"Okay, we took the mechs down, but this is getting tense. Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow. Did they really think he was that oblivious?

"There's Cerberus logos everywhere on this station Jacob. You and Wilson have them on your clothes. It's quite obvious."

Jacob froze, then looked away looking somewhat sheepish.

"Right. Well.. Uh… The Illusive Man can fill you in further."

Shepard rolled his eyes. Lazarus project, Illusive Man. They really went all out in picking names. Maybe if they spent more time doing their damn jobs, his face would have been fine.

"In any case, I don't trust terrorists, so that's a no to your question. But the mechs are trying to kill us all, so I suppose we're stuck till we're off this station. Move out."

\- Some combat and a dead Wilson later-

'Well this certainly confirms the crazy terrorist idea' mused Shepard as he held his gun to Miranda's head after she shot Wilson. Crazy terrorists rarely followed logic after all.

Maybe he'd hold off on questioning the quack about his face until they were off the station? Yes, that sounded like a good idea.

Jacob seemed upset. Huh. Maybe there was hope for him yet.

"You sure about that Miranda?" Jacob ranted, "We've known Wilson for years. What if you're wrong?"

"I'm never wrong. I thought you'd have learned that by now Jacob."

Hoo boy. An extra large scoop of superiority complex wearing a catsuit. This was gonna be one of those days.

Shepard sighed again. He'd been doing that a lot since he woke up. Fuck it. They could fight and kill each other if they wanted to, he was getting off this station and getting a REAL gun.

"Alright, I'm leaving. You two can keep squabbling and die here."

This got Miranda's attention.

"We should take the shuttle. My boss wants to speak to you."

"Yeah, yeah, Cerberus, Illusive man, let's get a move on."

"Ah Jacob. I should've known your conscience would get the better of you."

Shepard snorted as he moved past her.

"Woman, the walls are emblazoned with the Cerberus logo, as are Jacob's clothes and whatever the hell you're wearing. It's glaringly obvious who you work for."

Miranda's condescending smirk slid off her face.

"How did I miss that?" she murmured in shock as she stared at the huge Cerberus logo on the wall next to her..

"W-Well, is there anything else you'd like to know before we leave, Commander?"

Attempting (and failing) to recover her ice queen persona, she whirled towards Shepard again.

Shepard was already inside and starting the shuttle engines, humming 'Highway to Hell' under his breath.

Miranda and Jacob jumped for the shuttle before the doors closed, barely making it.

Continuing to hum as he piloted the shuttle out of the bay, Shepard resolved to ask this Illusive Man about this thermal clip silliness. There's no way every military force in the world had switched to using them…. Right?

As Miranda leaned over to set the course, Shepard found himself even more suspicious of Miranda, deciding to keep a closer eye on her.

There was simply no way that ass was natural.


	2. Is common sense a myth now?

Thanks for the reviews. It's nice to know people like the direction this is taking.

So I'll be continuing the storyline with Shepard using Logic and Common Sense.

Just FYI guys, action scenes will not be a focus here. By that I mean I'll skip them entirely. Unless I can insert something hilarious into it.

Enjoy.

* * *

Onboard the unnamed shuttle taking them away from the station that remained unnamed- to him anyway, Shepard figured at least one of them needed a name. Or maybe both?

Oh hell, why not. He had nothing to do anyway, studiously ignoring the meaningful-conversation-starter glances he was getting from the bearer of the Ass-That-May-Not-Be-Legit.

Lazarus Station? Nah, too boring. Too… _normal_.

Hmm… This required appropriate thought, after all, he wasn't dead – Wait. That's it. He had a name. The perfect name.

 **He's Not Dead Yet Station.**

Shepard congratulated himself for that little bit of mental gymnastics. Bring out yer dead! Heh. Classic.

Satisfied with his choice for the station, Shepard turned the efforts of his -in his humble opinion- razor sharp mind to coming up with a name for the valiant steed he was currently in.

He paused. He definitely could have phrased that better. Even within the confines of his own head. _Especially_ within the confines of his own head.

Redirecting his imagination before it constructed any terrifying visuals, he brought his focus back to naming the shuttle.

The Pale Horse?

…

…

Shepard mentally bitchslapped himself.

He continued to ponder his situation; alone, no trusted backup, adrift among the stars with a burning desire to get to somewhere familiar. Like that Greek guy-

Shepard smirked. His amazing brain had done it again, he had a name.

 **The Odysseus**

Following a twisted and random thought process that was terrifyingly similar to a certain Merc With a Mouth, the full name was finally clear to him.

 **The CSSU Odysseus**

The **C** ommander **S** hepard **S** pace **U** nicorn Odysseus.

Cause testosterone loaded badasses need to ride in on unicorns for maximum effect.

Miranda's attempts to get his attention now included grunts and tongue clicks, that Jacob seemed to be quite entertained by. Could he get her to start a mime if he kept up his indifference?

Nonchalantly ignoring her increasingly obvious efforts to gain his attention, Shepard stared out of the window.

Space. That non quantifiable little thing that contains the universe. Or was it the other way around?

As Shepard pondered the mysteries of space/universe, his gaze drifted to his reflection.

With the force of a charging Krogan horde, he was brutally reminded of the pending Very Important Talk with the Head Quack seated in front of him.

"So… Miranda. You're the project director of Lazarus, correct?"

Miranda's increasingly annoying 'notice me' vibe vanished along with her antics, replaced with a more serious visage, much to Jacob's disappointment.

"Yes, I poured two years of my life into the project – into you."

 _'Oh that didn't sound creepy at all.'_

"Two years and virtually unlimited resources yes? With all the bells and whistles, cutting edge tech. That's an awful lot of risky investment for one man."

"Well Shepard, you're a bloody icon to Humanity, you're the golden poster boy to rally around. The project could be worth it, according to the Illusive Man."

"Ah, funny you should mention that. 4 billion credits spent, and you couldn't fix my face. The face is kinda necessary for a poster boy, wouldn't you agree?"

Shepard's smile was beginning to look a little scary now.

Miranda was caught flatfooted by the unexpected direction the conversation took. This was not how she was planning to lead into the psych evaluation questions.

"Well… I fail to see how your face factors into this..?"

Shepard's smile became positively sharklike.

"You mean to tell me that you don't understand the upper hand in negotiation is influenced by looks? Business 101. And here I thought you were intelligent enough to run this shit. Hm. If this is the level I'll be working with, I'd like a corpse with a transplanted varren brain as my second in command."

"I… you were woken up early, your scars should heal soon enough.."

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"Then why didn't you open with that statement? Unless….. you like being insulted and are secretly a masochist with daddy issues?"

Miranda choked on air, while Jacob began to silently convulse with laughter.

Shepard lowered his eyebrow.

"Relax, it's a free galaxy, I don't judge."

"I'm not – Jacob stop laughing!"

"Uh huh. So tell me about these thermal clip things. They offer no significant upgrade to power while limiting the number of shots. What's the rationale behind this?"

"Of course Commander, in the two years you were asleep, we decided to switch to using universal thermal clips to cool down the weapons. The advantage is that a thermal clip does not have to be limited to a specific gun type. The same thermal clip can be used to cool down a pistol or a rifle. A lot more convenient."

"So if you run out of thermal clips, the old cooldown method takes over?"

"What? No, that isn't-"

"Let me handle this Miranda", Jacob decided to intervene. "No sir, the old heat dispersion systems were removed to make place for the modular thermal system. It also improved targeting."

"I see. Whatever works for you people I suppose. In any case, I need you to requisition weapons with the older system for me."

Jacob looked slightly confused, "Uh Commander, we don't have those."

Shepard rolled his eyes, "That's why you need to requisition some from other suppliers. I'm sure even Cerberus can't fuck that up."

By now, Miranda had managed to gather some of her wits. Unfortunately, those wits were nowhere near enough.

"Shepard, nobody uses them anymore. Nobody makes them anymore."

A cold feeling grew in the pit of Jacob's stomach. He had a feeling the Commander was _not_ going to be amused.

Miranda's frustration at not controlling the conversation was the final, albeit unintentional nail in the coffin.

"They're old tech. Obsolete. Things grandpas tell their grandchildren about! Thermal clips are just better!"

Shepard suddenly became _very, very_ still.

Defying all known laws of physics, the temperature controlled atmosphere of the CSSU Odysseus dropped down to that of a Siberian winter.

Sometimes, Jacob just hated being right. Hopefully Miranda would get the hint.

Miranda wasn't done though. "And the old tech made targeting so difficult! Stormtroopers shoot better than that!"

Jacob whimpered. He just had to tempt Murphy didn't he?

The atmosphere now reached Ice Age levels. And did Shepard's eyes just glow red?

 **" Oh?"**

With great control, Jacob did not void his bladder at the demonic tone. Miranda had frozen still, it was unclear if she was still breathing.

"It is highly unlikely that the rest of the galaxy has also sent away their common sense on a one way trip to Andromeda. I'm sure there's people out there with the old weapons. I doubt the designs have disappeared, surely your puppy organization can handle some manufacturing."

Miranda drew a deep shuddering breath, "Yes, we can do tha-"

 **" And did you just imply that I am old enough to be a Grandfather?"**

Shepard - somehow – had steepled his fingers in front of his face -without using a table- in the legendary Gendo Ikari pose. Combined with the Kubrick Stare with Red Eyes, it was enough to make a Vorcha rethink it's life choices.

Miranda's systems almost crashed. She retained enough self-preservation to attempt to mitigate this force aimed at her. Screw the Illusive Man's psych eval questions!

"I...I think the Illusive Man would be better at explaining all of this..."

"Hm. Very well. However ..."

"Yes?" Miranda asked, almost eager to know what else she must do to avoid that force.

 **" Use Stormtroopers as a standard for aiming again, and I'll use you as a live target."**

Miranda passed out.

Meanwhile Jacob had retreated into his happy place. However that had a side effect.

"Jacob? Why are you doing sit-ups?"

* * *

Note – References to Monty Python for the station name, in case anyone's unclear (Monty Python & the holy grail)

I'm still not sure why I worked on this chapter today. I should be studying for my N5 on Sunday.


	3. Cerberus Says they're the Good Guys

I've put up the disclaimer once in the first chapter, that should be enough.

Also, I'm aware that it's been a while, that's probably because I had no real direction to take this story past a one shot kinda thing. Guess we'll make it up as we go along.

Keep reviewing people. That's the best way I get feedback. Didn't like a scene? Thought the humour was stretched a bit? Please let me know.

P.S: you might get more than one notification for this, I'm editing a previous chapter too.

Also, if you spotted any references, here's a cookie for you.

* * *

 _ **Aboard the CSSU Odysseus en-route to unknown Cerberus station**_

 _ **.**_

"Huh… Looks like one of those see-saws at children's playgrounds."

"Sir? What does?" Jacob asked hesitantly.

"The space station in front of us obviously. Do try and keep up Jacob."

Jacob now found himself wondering if the Alliance might have been onto something with their whole "Don't ask questions, just follow orders". It would certainly explain how they remained functional.

Miranda sighed. Explaining Shepard's previously undocumented mannerisms to the Illusive Man was not something she was looking forward to.

Unknown to either of them, Shepard's unpredictable routine was just that – a routine. He was carefully analysing the structure of the station, the ships guarding it, and potential weaknesses that he may be able to sabotage. Cerberus _were_ terrorists after all.

Three of the fifty marines slaughtered at Akuze were from his unit in Marine Basic training.

Shepard never forgave. And he never forgot.

But unlike a certain Gunnery Sergeant with a giant cactus of righteousness up her ass, Shepard was of a more efficient sort. He'd take what they offered and more, and then watch them burn while sipping on a well-aged whiskey. Maybe even light up a cigar in celebration.

Shepard continued his planning, coming up with increasingly creative ways to guide Cerberus to it's final fate. It was probably for the best that Miranda hadn't implanted a control chip. A glimpse of Shepard's plans would have caused the chip to seek therapy.

At the exact moment Shepard set foot on the station, far away, in another system, Jack Harper felt an all too human chill go up his spine. He dismissed it as a temperature snafu and made a mental note to have the ventilation checked later. He had a resurrected man to manipulate.

 **Aboard the station**

Shepard blinked.

He was in a large-ish room that wouldn't look out of place at a busy clinic, or a small hospital.

A man staring out of the window next to the row of seats, a clerk working on a terminal-

' _Wait a sec- That's just Confused Corsair and Catsuit Complex.'_

' _I took literally one step forward, how in the ever loving hell did they get over there?'_

Shepard mentally shrugged. That physics glitch would probably be patched in the next universe update. He had more important things on his plate for now, such as getting answers from this self-styled Illusive Man. How large of an 8th Grader Syndrome did this guy have? With the amount of crap Shepard had seen around the galaxy, he wouldn't be too shocked to find an actual 8th grader running this operation.

... Alright, that was probably stretching it a bit.

Course set, he headed towards Jacob 'Confused Corsair' Taylor for directions to the Illusive Man.

"I wouldn't keep the Illusive Man waiting."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "That's obvious, you aren't a SPECTRE that takes particular pleasure in killing things that offend him. Would you like to be added to that constantly decreasing list, or would you rather point me towards the leader of this group of rugrats?"

"No sir! I mean yes sir! Miranda would probably be the better person for that, sir."

Rolling his eyes – something Shepard had a feeling he would be doing quite a lot of in the future – he headed towards Miranda.

"The Illusive Man is waiting for you in the other room."

Right. Shepard had forgotten Catsuit Complex's original designation as Overly Annoying Announcement Voice.

Moving past her, Shepard continued on into another passageway, down a set of staircases into an empty room with a circle-of-light thing in the centre, clearly a communications device.

Stepping on it and letting it do it's scanning thing, Shepard mentally checked the box marked 'Chicken' for the Illusive Man.

"Commander Shepard."

This came from a man seated on a chair puffing on a cigarette with his back to what looked like a sun. Remove the man and chair though, and it would most definitely be a bitchin' wallpaper.

"Illusive Man" - _*_ _snicker* -_ "I thought we'd be meeting face-to-face. But really, calling yourself the 'Illusive Man'? What, was 'Darth Edgelord' already taken or something?" - * _snort_ * - "Nah...I think I'll call you Tim."

To his credit, the Illusive Man took the hit without flinching... too much.

"A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know."

.

Another mental check for the box marked 'Delusions of Grandeur' then.

.

"Yes, I'm sure the crew of the Normandy and all the ship logs were just chopped liver all along. What a cunning masquerade." Shepard's voice was positively drowning in sarcasm.

"You need to put your personal feelings aside. Humanity is up against the greatest threat of our brief existence."

' _Oh you haven't the faintest idea of what I'm putting aside right now ya wrinkly muppet.'_

Shepard felt it was best to move this conversation along before he said something he would not regret.

"Enough with the foreplay Timmy, this is about the Reapers, not your fragile ego. See a bloody shrink for all I care."

"Good to see your memory's intact. How're you feeling?"

"Did you not hear what I said mere seconds ago Timmy? Cut the bullshit."

"Cerberus isn't as evil as you believe. You and I are on the same side; we just have different methods."

"I swear if you don't say anything useful in the next few seconds, I will track you down and lock you in a room with a horny krogan."

As the Illusive Man was about to disregard this warning and continue his monologue, something deep within his psyche, something very primal in nature **screamed** at him to - maybe just once – skip the grandstanding and get to the point. Which he did, after a slightly confused pause.

"While you've been sleeping, entire colonies have been disappearing. Human colonies. We believe it's someone working for the Reapers, just like Saren."

"And I'm sure you haven't notified the Alliance with this information. Probably because you don't have proof or something equally inane." drawled Shepard as his eyes narrowed slightly. _'...Or because Cerberus wants to use me as a pawn in their games somehow... Yes, that seems more likely.'_

This suspicion continued to rise as Timmy continued to drone on about the Alliance rebuilding after the Battle for the Citadel, and not having enough resources to verify this threat. Also mentioning that blaming the abductions on mercs and pirates was easier for the Alliance.

.

' _Balls. The Alliance has Naval Intelligence and Special Ops for a reason. This is that reason.'_

Out loud, Shepard said, "You could have trained an entire army for what you spent on bringing me back. Why?"

The Illusive Man took a drag on his cigarette before responding, "You've fought them. You stood for Humanity at a key moment; you're more than just a soldier – you're a symbol. But most importantly, you've killed one. I'm banking on the hope that you can do it again."

"Yeah yeah. Also get me weapons that don't require thermal clips, like the ones in service not 2 years ago. Make them from scratch if you have to."

"I'll see what I can do Shepard."

' _Hm. Time to pay a visit to Anderson and Alliance Command. The SPECTRE offices may have something too. But for now...'_

Shepard's priorities were set. Endangered civilians first, death of a terrorist organization coming in close second.

"Give me all the information you have. Unfiltered. I'll decide for myself."

"I'd be disappointed if you just accepted this without seeing it for yourself. I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom's Progress, the last colony to be abducted. We can start there."

\- **One overly long Tim monologue later** -

Shepard headed out of the room and informed Catsuit Complex and Confused Corsair that they were now his bitches, and to grab their gear and get to the Odysseus pronto.

Miranda opened her mouth "Now just a minute Shepard, you don't get to call us that, we deserve -"

.

Shepard gave her a **look** ; the half-healed glowing cybernetics only enhanced the intimidating effect.

This led to Miranda shutting up and shivering; remembering the Siberian Winter she had indirectly caused in the Odysseus. But it wasn't quite enough for Shepard. ALL opposition would be crushed. Whether literally or figuratively made little difference to him.

.

Shepard unleashed his Aura of Doom™

" **I OWN YOU NOW."**

.

A mental switch broke. Miranda whimpered. "Yes Daddy."

" **...Wh** at?"

"….."

Surprisingly enough, it was Jacob that came to the rescue and immediately dragged her away, unknowingly saving the integrity of their outfits from an uncontrolled bowel movement.

As they disappeared into the shuttle, Shepard's expression sharpened. Timmy boy had been very good at evading answers to the questions that mattered. Like the whereabouts of his crew, for example.

But most importantly, he never confirmed that he could source weapons without thermal clips.

.

If he couldn't, the Galaxy would have a **lot** more to worry about than a bunch of giant robotic squids with lasers. 

.

For Commander Shepard would be on the warpath. And that wouldn't end well for anybody.


	4. Shepard anticipates migraines

_**Aboard the CSSU Odysseus**_ _ **en-route**_ _ **to**_ _ **Freedom's Progress**_

"We should be there shortly, Shepard. The Illusive Man put us under your command. Do you have any orders?"

Huh. She seemed to have recovered from her earlier mind break well enough. So was the Illusive Man her Daddy? Did that mean any of Timmy boy's orders would supersede his if push came to shove? Would Jacob be the same, or would his whimsical-as-fuck moral compass pick the right magnetic North in the end? These scenarios required further investigation; perhaps an accommodating facade to test the waters?

"What can you tell me about this colony we're going to?"

Miranda answered, "Freedom's Progress? It's a typical human settlement in the Terminus Systems. They had a small military force for protection supplemented by mechs and security drones. Average in almost every way really. Completely unremarkable…. Until the disappearance. Apart from the empty buildings and the giant mystery, I'm not expecting much out there."

"Are you sure you'll be comfortable following my orders?"

That should give them enough confidence to reveal a glimpse of their base selves.

"We didn't bring you back from the dead just to second-guess you, Commander."

Ooh, snarky. Always delightful to hear from his soldiers, ones that he trusted, anyway. Jacob did not fall in that category. This attitude of Jacob's would be corrected in due course. Even if he did rediscover his moral compass, he wouldn't be trusted for a while. Shepard didn't get this far by being naive about the goodness of his fellow man. Quite the contrary, actually.

"If the Illusive Man says you're in charge, you're in charge."

Well that simply wouldn't do. It seemed that the Confused Corsair would be shuffling his mortal coil soon, courtesy of an unfortunate and unexpected accident. Unless he could redeem himself, of course.

Still, Shepard needed to know more about what he was working with.

"What did you find in the other colonies?"

"Nothing. No signs of attack, no corpses. Not even a trace of unusual genetic material to give us a clue. They just disappear, and we've got no target to go after."

.

' _Why the heck did they go straight to genetic material? '_

' _Have these morons never heard of CCTV footage?'_

.

"I find it hard to believe that there is no footage of the attack, There must have been some cameras operational? What about sensor data from any orbital scanners?"

.

' _If no footage or data exists, that means it must have been deleted. Whether remotely or manually remains to be seen.'_

The silence was deafening.

Shepard sighed.

"Please tell me you checked for that."

The silence was such that the shuttle's air conditioning unit felt self-conscious about the noise it was making.

.

' _Is it too late to go back on ice again?'_

.

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. He could see a never ending loop of migraines already.

"So what makes you think this investigation will turn up anything new?"

' _I swear to whatever you believe in, if you give me an answer that sounds like you've been suckling at Timmy boy's ball sack, I'm booting you out of the airlock first chance I get.'_

"At other colonies, official investigators got there first. Sometimes looters or salvage teams as well. We're hoping to be the first ones there this time. Maybe find clues before somebody else disturbs the scene."

Shepard's eyebrow had been climbing upwards steadily throughout Jacob's responses.

.

Shepard slowly breathed out.

"Alright lets dissect this; First off, you're telling me Cerberus can't get their hands on official records on the disappearances of the colonies?"

"Second, you can bring me back to life, but not get your hands on official records?"

"Third, looters and salvage teams get here before you do? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Shepard paused and scrutinized the increasingly nervous pair.

"You claim to be specialists, but you seem to be absolute shit in the areas that really matter. What is the point of your existence then?"

At this point, Shepard was seriously worried about the fate of Humanity if these dumbshits claimed to be the ones 'safeguarding' Humanity from the rest of the universe.

"Also, 'Disturbs the scene'? I had no idea Cerberus terrorists were that well versed in the investigative arts. What other hidden skills do Cerberus operatives have? Flower Arrangement? Meditation, Origami, something like that?"

Shepard's words were positively _drenched_ in sarcasm; which actually made the Dummkopf Duo flinch.

Any responses they could have come up with died after being hit with Shepard's **Look Of Withering Disdain** ™

.

"Our first priority is to look for survivors."

"That's unlikely, Commander. No one was was left at the other colonies. They were completely deserted."

Of course Miranda had to butt in with her brand of obnoxious.

' _Note to self: Break them completely. There will be no independent thinking from terrorists.'_

.

"I just went through a list of your fuck-ups. Let me explain how little your opinion matters right now. I would prioritise reading a 'Theory of the Universe' thesis written by an amoeba that spent it's life in the Turian councilor's asshole over your drivel."

.

While Miranda struggled to come to terms with that, Jacob hesitantly put forth his own opinion.

"Be nice to find somebody though. Anything's better than another ghost town."

Deciding that the conversation was now finished, Shepard went back to staring out of the window, unknowingly continuing his impression of an emo anime protagonist.

.

 **Some time later…. At Freedom's Progress**

Snow crunched under Shepard's boots as he disembarked from the Odysseus, Jacob and Miranda following him.

' _Well this is rather depressing'_ thought Shepard, as he observed the dismal and barely lighted landing area. The cold and silence began to feel ominous as he looked around for any sign of activity that usually accompanied the sight of a shuttle landing.

A cold breeze hit his uncovered face, and he breathed in deeply. This was the first fresh air he'd breathed in since he woke up.

Miranda shivered slightly. Shepard was going to mention something about grabbing the right gear for the occasion, but she seemed to have gotten the point. Two of them, in fact. As did Jacob, he just crossed his arms to play it off. He should have worn armour to a potentially dangerous investigation instead of a somewhat looser bodysuit thing. Shepard rolled his eyes, machismo was overrated, in his humble opinion.

It was a pity that Miranda was a terrorist though. That booty really was unreal.

.

Turning towards what looked like the start of the settlement's housing area, Shepard switched gears.

Time to go to work.

"Lawson, start local scans of the area. Hack together a map of entry and exit points for Buildings of Interest. I don't think I need to tell you this, but pay extra attention to thermal scans as we continue ahead. Include all known life form body temperatures as your primary parameters."

"Understood Commander."

"Taylor, set up a channel with the shuttle pilot. I want the shuttle ready to either provide covering fire or exfil us within a minute of signaling."

"Yes Commander."

Thankfully they seemed to know enough to not question orders or give him attitude when he was serious.

Shepard detached his pistol and looked at it scathingly.

' _The morons that pushed this change must have been indoctrinated like Saren. More people that need to be dealt with, I suppose.'_

"Map ready Commander. Sending it to your omnitool."

"Be ready with your thermal scans. I want updates before and after we breach spaces."

"Yes Commander."

"Commander, the shuttle pilot is on standby to assist or extract, like you ordered."

.

' _Goddamnit, we should have another member for the squad as a rearguard, especially while heading into unfamiliar and potentially hostile environments. Or another squad as overwatch. I guess the shuttle will have to do for now.'_

"Weapons at the ready, wedge formation. Move out."

Advancing towards the first door, Shepard signed them to take positions, hopefully they knew door breach protocols.

They did.

"Looks like everybody just got up and left, right in the middle of dinner."

Unfortunately, they didn't know silent operational protocols. Not letting your emotions control you until the mission was complete was usually helped along by not discussing it immediately.

As they cleared the structure and came upon an open area, Miranda added her thoughts.

"Strange. No bodies. No structural damage. No signs of battle."

They were coming up on a larger door, more like a separator between parts of the colony. Miranda indicated that her thermal scans were normal, and they went through.

However, right as the doors opened, mechanical sounds were audible, droid-like sounds. Accompanied by gunfire.

"Hear that? Sounds like FENRIS mechs."

' _Thank you Captain Obvious, I would never have noticed them shooting at me.'_

\- **One skirmish later -**

"That's strange. Security systems were disabled at the other colonies.", Miranda frowned as she tried to recall more information from the dossiers she had read.

"Those mechs shouldn't have been hostile. They should have recognized us as human."

Shepard paid close attention to Jacob's statement, the 'as human' part making him a bit wary. Was he being paranoid? Probably. Was it a good idea with Cerberus around? Abso-fuckin-lutely.

"Someone reprogrammed them to attack on sight. We're not alone here." Miranda's accent was making itself known.

 **\- Some more dead mechs later -**

Shepard was ready to breach the next door, when Miranda signaled him about thermal signatures inside, very faint though.

"On my mark. Hold fire unless I order otherwise."

He received twin nods as a response.

"3….2…...1….. Mark."

Like a well oiled machine, they swept in, only to find…. Quarians?

"Stop right there!" ordered/growled a quarian as two more leveled their weapons at the intruders.

This looked like it could escalate into friendly fire. Just as Shepard was going to pull off his patented Charming Badass That Means Innocents No Harm routine, someone in a _very_ familiar envirosuit pushed past the rifle toting quarians and faced her own people, attempting to de-escalate, her back to Shepard.

"Prazza! You said you'd let me handle this."

Tali? What the hell was Tali doing here?

"Wait…. Shepard?"

"I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives!"

Smart of Prazza to think that way, Shepard mused. Not so smart to declare it out loud though.

 **"Put those weapons down!"**

Shy little Tali being all commanding? Shepard felt pride in seeing the young quarian herd the others into submission.

Tali turned to face him, and her voice changed to an almost hopeful one,

"Shepard? Is that… you're alive?"

* * *

I have a whole new respect for writers that put out more than 2k words per chapter, and manage to update frequently while doing so. I have also come to strongly despise this site's text formatting options.

But really, thank you all for the positive reviews, re-reading them are what made me plonk my butt down and finally finish writing this chapter.


	5. Obey

Chapter 5 - Obey

* * *

"Shepard? Is that…. you're alive?"

Her voice was as close to a hopeful warble as it could get, she deserved a non sarcastic answer; Shepard thought. He'd always thought of her as a shy little sister with a heart of gold. One with a crazy shotgun toting krogan who considered himself her favorite uncle. Ah good old Wrex, wonder how he's doing?

Shepard's voice mellowed, he was genuinely happy to see Tali.

"Remember when I gave you that Geth data, Tali? Did it help you complete your pilgrimage?"

Tali visibly relaxed.

"Yes, it did. Prazza, weapons down. This is definitely Commander Shepard."

Prazza lowered and put away his rifle, but asked,

"Why is your old commander working for Cerberus?"

Shepard's eyebrow went up by a fraction.

' _They know I'm standing right here, right?'_

"I don't know. Maybe we should ask."

If he hadn't known Tali before, Shepard would definitely have missed the sarcastic inflection in her answer. Attagirl Tali.

Tali turned to him, knowing full well he'd heard Prazza, not bothering to repeat the question.

"I nearly died Tali. Cerberus spent two years and a lot of resources to bring me back. They want me to investigate attacks on human colonies."

Left unsaid was the fact that Shepard would have done that anyway, Cerberus happened to be doing it too. Tali knew that. She was there when he talked down Corporal Toombs, and found out that Cerberus was behind it.

"Likely story. No organisation would commit so many resources to bring back one soldier."

Just how would he know the amount of resources required to bring back a soldier? And wait, did Prazza just indirectly diss his skills?

Before Shepard could demonstrate to Prazza **exactly whom the fuck he was** **dealing with** **,** Tali cut in,

"You haven't seen Shepard in action, Prazza. Trust me. It was money well spent."

Outwardly, Shepard remained calm. Inside, he was moved at how matter-of-factly she said that, like there was simply no other way it could have gone.

Tali turned to Shepard, a note of hope in her voice again,

"Perhaps we can work together. We're here looking for a young Quarian named Veetor. He was here on Pilgrimage."

' _Of course I'd help out Tali, you needn't ask.'_

But still, a Quarian on a predominantly human colony?

"Isn't that a little strange? A Quarian visiting a remote human colony?"

"Quarians can choose where they go on Pilgrimage. Veetor liked the idea of helping a small settlement. He was always…... nervous in crowds."

Prazza chose this moment to intercede,

"She means that he was unstable. Combine that with damage to his suit's CO2 scrubbers and an infection from an open-air exposure, and he's likely delirious."

Shepard couldn't see Tali's faceplate as she turned to Prazza, but he was pretty sure she wasn't amused by Prazza's boorishness.

Looking back at Shepard, Tali continued,

"When he saw us landing, he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town. We suspect he's also programmed the mechs to attack anything that moved."

Hm. Veetor was possibly the only survivor here, and the only one who could shed light on this incident. He was probably also terrified out of his mind, and going in guns blazing would probably achieve nothing. The fact that Miranda and Jacob were walking Cerberus logos would not be in their favour either.

' _Man, I really gotta make sure my squad doesn't look like strippers that got lost and came across some guns. Or get a better squad.'_

Well, Tali's presence would be a good thing in calming Veetor down, and getting some information from him without going on never ending side quests like on Noveria. Ugh, Noveria.

Mentally shooing away memories of that frozen administrative hell, Shepard began,

"Veetor's the only one who can tell us what happened here. We should work together to find him."

"Good idea. You'll need two teams to get past the drones, anyway."

Tali seemed to be on board with the idea.

"Now we're working with Cerberus?"

Prazza. Shepard was seeing a recurring theme here.

"No, Prazza, you're working for me. If you can't follow orders, go wait on the ship."

Ahahahaha, Tali was an absolute badass now. That response was instant and brutally delivered. Shepard was so proud of her, Wrex would love to hear about this clapback. There would be much rejoicing, and much drinking of Ryncol.

Not giving Prazza a chance to respond – Shepard smirked at that – Tali continued as though she had never been interrupted,

"Head for the warehouse through the center of the colony. We'll circle around the far side and draw off some of the drones to clear you a path."

That worked for Shepard. But first, he wanted to know about the obvious incident that must have happened with Cerberus and pissed off the Quarians.

Not that he had a problem with the Quarians disliking Cerberus. Au contraire.

"Your people really don't like Cerberus. What did I miss?"

In hindsight, he really could have worded that better, Shepard mused. Ah well.

Prazza answered,

"They killed out people, infiltrated our flotilla, and tried to blow up one of our ships."

Yeah. That would do it.

Miranda chose this moment to support her catsuit sponsor,

"That's not how I'd have explained it, exactly. It was nothing personal."

.

' _It was nothing personal...'_

 _._

Shepard's cybernetics overheated; he saw red.

" **I DID NOT ASK YOU. SILENCE, FLESHBAG."**

This was, of course accompanied with red cybernetics glowing, and a flare of his **Aura of Doom™**.

Just a flare, though. Couldn't have her catatonic while on a mission, of course.

In any case, they had a job to do. Mission mode.

"We can sort this out later. Right now, we have a job to do."

"Agreed. We work together to get to Veetor." Tali confirmed with a nod.

"Make sure to keep in radio contact."

"Will do. Good luck, Shepard. Whatever happens… it's good to have you back."

As Tali turned around, Shepard noticed something magnificent on her. It was a shotgun. An older shotgun. Ergo, a shotgun with the older cooling system.

"Wait!"

The amount of raw need Shepard packed into that one word would have made Aria blush.

Tali turned around, understandably concerned and slightly worried.

"Does that shotgun of yours have the older cooling system from two years ago? And not these new thermal clips?"

Tali relaxed, apparently rolling her eyes behind her faceplate,

"Yes Shepard, we're Quarians. We couldn't possibly have replaced all our weapons with the newer thermal clip variants. And there really was no reason to do so, in spite of the free replacements offered by the council to all species. That offer really threw us for a loop."

Shepard's joy was put on hold from that last bit.

"An offer from the Council? To all species? What the fuck? Am I in some twisted lucid dream?"

There was some more eye rolling, not contained to just Tali this time.

"Apparently it was a 'We are in this together' gesture after Sovereign. Good PR for them, I assumed."

Good PR? Hell no. This stank of corruption and stupidity. Maybe a late stage indoctrination. Damn Council. He should have let them die on that oversized joke of a warship.

Ah well, it could be worse. Udina could have been the human councilor instead of Anderson. Speaking of, why the hell did a military man like Anderson let this dumbass move go ahead? More questions, so many more questions with every moment that passed.

' _I need answers, and I need them fast. Looks like I need to shake some answers out of Anderson.'_

.

A few systems away, Councilor Anderson's hand shook violently as he lifted his teacup, culminating in a shattered teacup on the ground, and hot tea over his dress shirt.

"Shite."

.

"Right… Never mind, we can discuss this in more detail after Veetor is safe. Stay safe "

.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - Some exploding drones & a totally predictable Prazza later - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hurry Shepard, We're inside the loading docks. Veetor reprogrammed a heavy mech and now it's tearing Prazza's squad apart!"

Shepard didn't hesitate.

"Double time, cover those doors, we're walking into a firefight!"

.

–- - - - - - - - - - A lot of shooting, and a temperamental big boi mech later - - - - - - - - - - - - -

.

Shepard shook his head disparagingly as he looked upon the groggily revived forms of his squad. They really needed armour, why oh why was he saddled with these suicidal nutjobs?

Ah, well. Time to see what Veetor had to say. Shepard headed into the unit where Veetor had holed up.

There was a Quarian seated at a bunch of screens operating the console frantically.

"Monsters coming back. Mechs will protect. Safe from swarms. Have to hide. No monsters. No swarms. No-no-no-no-no."

"Veetor?"

"No Veetor. Not here. Swarms can't find. Monsters coming. Have to hide."

Oh dear. This was looking more and more like a repeat of Eden Prime, minus the geth. Poor Veetor was traumatized.

"Nobody's going to hurt you anymore."

Veetor did not respond.

"I don't think he can hear you Commander."

Shepard turned around. Ah, the strippers had awoken.

"I don't think I asked you. Secure the perimeter. Take Miranda with you."

Jacob and Miranda seemed about to protest, so- " **OBEY** ". This sent them scuttling like good little meatbags.

Once gone, Shepard fiddled with his omni tool to interrupt the transmissions on the screens Veetor was at.

This caused Veetor to quiet down and seemingly relax; he turned around got up from his seat, facing Shepard.

"You're human. Where did you hide? How come they didn't find you?"

"Who didn't find us?", prompted Shepard gently.

"The ….. the monsters. The swarms. They took everyone."

"Didn't the colonists fight back, Veetor? What happened?"

"You don't know. You didn't see. But I see everything."

Veetor tapped a couple of things on the console, and the screens came alive with a video feed. It looked like security footage, he must have pieced it together manually.

Shepard vaguely registered the door behind him opening once more, letting in Tali and his squad.

"My god. I think it's a Collector."

.

Shepard closed his eyes tiredly. Couldn't these Collectors collect something normal, like stamps? Or even butterflies?

.

"It's a species from somewhere beyond the Omega 4 Relay. Only a few people have seen one in person." Jacob piped in.

That sounded awfully suspicious to Shepard. Would those 'few people' happen to be from Cerberus?

Miranda continued, "They usually work through intermediaries, like slavers or hired mercenaries. If they're involved with the Reapers somehow, it could explain what happened to the colonies."

"The Collectors have advanced technology. They could have a weapon that disables an entire settlement at once."

Why the heck were they alternating these statements? It's almost like they were reading from a script….

.

Unknown to Shepard and everyone else, the Fourth Wall trembled and strained, but held.

.

Veetor helpfully decided to add, "The seeker swarms. No one can hide. The seekers find you. Freeze you. Then the monsters take you away."

Hm. That was actually quite informative. "Tell me more about these swarms."

"It's how they find you. Seeker clouds. Machines like tiny insects. They go everywhere. They find you. Then they sting you. Freeze you."

"What happened after that?"

"The monsters took the people onto the ship, and then they left. The ship flew away. But they'll be back for me. No one escapes!"

"Thank you for telling us this Veetor. You were very helpful."

Somewhat bolstered by this, Veetor continued, "I studied them. The monsters. The swarms. I recorded them with my omni-tool. Lots of readings. Electro-magnetic. Dark energy."

Of course, Miranda had to cut in, "We need to get this data to the Illusive Man. Grab the Quarian and call the shuttle to pick us up."

Oh that's it. She tried to give out orders. Shepard calmly motioned to Tali to hold her tirade, smoothly drew his pistol, and fired three shots into Miranda's midsection at point blank range. The first two shots broke her barriers, and the last went straight through her.

As she collapsed to the ground, shivering, Shepard slowly moved to her, completely disregarding Jacob's drawn gun and panicked shout.

Shepard looked at both Miranda and Jacob, and in an all-too-calm voice said,

"Presume to order your commanding officer about again, and you will be executed immediately."

"Am I clear, _**terrorist scum**_ _?_ "

The potent venom in his voice could be considered a chemical weapon.

Four terrified nods answered him, instead of the expected two.

' _I may have gone a bit overboard here...'_

"Drag her out and fix her up with medi-gel. Report to the shuttle when done."

Waiting until Jacob had done exactly that and the doors had closed behind him, Shepard sagged and let out a drawn-out sigh as he faced Tali and Veetor.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, the last 12-odd hours have been… tiring."

"It's… it's alright Shepard, you just caught me by surprise. I can't say I'm surprised to see you do that, given your history with Cerberus. You're welcome to take the omni-tool, but please, just let me take Veetor."

"Of course Tali, Veetor should be headed towards a medic. But I really could use you with me on this…. whatever this is. It's definitely not an adventure though."

"I want to Shepard, but I can't. I've got a mission of my own. It's too important for me to abandon, even for you. When it's over, and I'm still alive, we'll see what happens."

"Alright Tali, that's quite all right. Good luck with your mission."

"Thanks Shepard. If I find anything out there that can help, I'll let you know."

.

"Mmh. Say, Tali, how open would the Quarians be to selling me some weapons with the older cooling systems? At say, ten times the original selling price? On Cerberus credits, of course."

Shepard couldn't quite see Tali's face, but he'd bet she was wearing an identical, evil grin.

.

* * *

Writing is easy for some, I am not one of them. This is easily my longest chapter, at over 2k words, a milestone; to me, anyway.

Thank you for all the reviews and ideas; I now have one-shot ideas floating about in my head. I shall attempt to actually put them on paper, figuratively speaking; maybe something equally insane as this story will spout from it?

So yeah, you may have noticed that Shepard has a bone to pick with Cerberus, and has no problems with putting down their operatives when they fuck up. This is basically a paragade Shepard, a mix of ruthless and compassionate.

I do have something I'm wrestling with though – Do I make Shepard a biotic? I have played as an adept, but will it even matter, since I tend to skip out on the fights anyway? At most I feel I can use biotics for dramatic effect while Sheppy does his commander thing. Any thoughts/suggestions on this are more than welcome.


	6. Shepard does a Filler session

**Chapter 6: Shepard does a Filler session**

A hologram flared to life, bringing Shepard's form into view.

"Shepard. Good Work on Freedom's Progress."

Well, Shepard thought; this looked promising. So shooting Miranda to make a point was cool with TIM? Huh. Wiping Cerberus off the galaxy map would be much easier with this supportive attitude.

A pause to inhale cigarette smoke and rack up those asshole points.

"The Quarians forwarded their findings from Veetor's debriefing. No new data, but it's a surprising olive branch, given our history.

You and I have different methods, but I can't argue with your results."

Ah. That's what Timmy boy meant. Never mind.

"You ever think about playing nice once in a while?"

"Diplomacy is great when it works, but difficult when everyone already perceives you as a threat."

Shepard snorted. "Yes, that's usually what happens when you do terrorist-y things."

TIM continued on, conveniently ignoring the logic there, "But more importantly, you confirmed that the collectors are behind the abductions."

"Uh huh. Why do I get the feeling you knew about them already?"

"I had my suspicions, but I needed proof. The Collectors are enigmatic at best. They periodically travel to the Terminus systems, looking to gather seemingly unimportant items or specimens. Usually in exchange for their technology.

When their transactions are complete, they disappear as quickly as they arrived; back beyond the unmapped Omega 4 relay. Until now, we've had no evidence of direct aggression by the Collectors."

"Clarify – What do we know about the Omega-4 relay?"

"Only that no ship passing through it has ever returned. Out best guess is that the relay react differently to Collector vessels, allowing them safe passage. If they can manipulate relays, that's just further evidence of the connection with the Reapers."

"Hold up. You're telling me that an entire alien species has been known to exist for a while now, and the Council has NOT made a move to annex them yet? The Turians don't have a war hard-on for 'tampering with a relay' yet? What the actual fuck?"

Before Timmy could gain more points by inhaling more cigarette smoke, Shepard barreled on,

"How long have they existed? Why aren't the other species more worried about this? Also, clarify what you meant by 'specimens'."

"They seem to focus on genetic abnormalities across species. Usually the sample sizes would be in the dozens, not in the thousands that just happened. They pay slavers and merc groups exorbitant sums to obtain these specimens. And then they leave.

The Collectors also happen to be a myth to the average person in Citadel space. They don't show up that often."

"Hmm. And they seem to have shifted their focus to humans. Any idea why?"

"If they're agents for the Reapers, it could be for any number of reasons. Obviously, Humanity has played a great role in Sovereign's destruction. That might have been enough to draw their attention.

What really concerns me is why they bother with abduction the colonists. Once the humans are paralyzed, why not just kill them?"

Shepard's eye twitched. _'Overwhelming empathy, this one has.'_

"You're holding something back. How do you know Reapers are involved?"

"The patterns are there, buried in the data. The Council and the Alliance want to believe the Reaper threat died with Sovereign. You and I know better."

Shepard mentally rolled his eyes. Timmy boy was really trying to sell the whole 'they don't care about anything other than the status quo' idea there. As if Alliance Intelligence hadn't gone through all the data with a fine tooth comb.

Unaware of what was going through Shepard's head, Tim continued, "I won't wait until the Reapers are on the march. We need to take the fight to them."

Shepard interrupted this potential pseudo-inspirational archetype speech midway, "I suppose you have an army hidden away somewhere then? Or a team perhaps? That, of course, does not include those fools you sent with me just now."

"I've already compiled a list of soldiers, scientists, and mercenaries. You'll get dossiers on the best of them. Finding them and convincing them to work with you could be challenging, but you're a natural leader. I'll continue to-"

"Keep your list. I want people that I can trust. People that helped me stop Saren and the Geth."

"That was two years ago Commander. Most of them have moved on….. or their alliances have changed."

Again, Shepard rolled his eyes. With this level of subtlety… or lack thereof… in their attempted manipulations, it was a wonder Cerberus was still around.

"I decide who's on my team. Not Lawson. Not you. Not even your mother."

Being interrupted before he got going, Tim's eyes narrowed, and it brought to mind an issue in the mission he wanted to bring up.

"Yes, about that. It seems there was an incident with Ms. Lawson. Would you care to elaborate?"

"No."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Then beg."

"You're …. refusing to discuss this?"

"You catch on pretty quick."

Tim did his smoke inhalation thing.

"Well, then I hope it doesn't happen again."

"Feel free to hope. I don't work for you. My team, my rules. Disobeyed orders equal immediate termination. Full. Fuckin. Stop."

Not letting Tim get a word in, Shepard continued, "And get me weapons with the older cooling solutions. Get them made if you have to, I want them ready for the next skirmish. That'll be all."

The transmission winked out.

Tim remained frozen for a few seconds. Did Shepard just hang up on him?

\- Back at the station -

As Shepard turned around, he was faced with someone he was _not_ expecting to see.

"Hey Commander. Just like old times, huh."

"Joker? What the hell are you doing here?"

Joker responded as he was typically did, with great amounts of sarcasm.

"Oh, I'm doing great Commander, nice to see you, how was space?"

"Cut the crap. The hell are you doing in Cerberus?"

Joker sighed as he motioned to the stairwell, and Shepard fell in step.

"It all fell apart without you Commander. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. Team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded.

The Alliance took away the only thing that mattered to me. So yeah, when Cerberus offered to let me fly again, potentially for you, hell yeah I signed up."

Shepard mulled over that while they continued making their way to …. wherever. But he had to know-

"You really trust the Illusive Man?"

"I don't trust anyone that makes more than I do. But they did save your life. I'm here for you, Commander. Not a pay raise, not really to continue flying even. The Alliance would have taken care of that, given time."

Shepard was touched. But Joker wasn't done yet. As they were walking, they had made their way to an observation deck of sorts, overlooking a dark area.

"And also, there's this. They only told me about it last night."

As though by some unseen cue, the lights in the dark space switched on, revealing…. _The Normandy_.

Shepard's breath caught. On a closer look, he saw the SR2 detailed on it, but no Normandy. Well, this was definitely a good start. As he took all of it in, Joker commented,

"It's good to be home, huh, Commander?"

Shepard grunted amusedly, "I guess we'll have to give her a name."

\- One Dramatic First Launch Later -

"Welcome aboard the new Normandy, Commander."

Shepard ignored Jacob as he took in the layout of the CIC- not a thing was different. It felt… familiar, yet, not quite like home. That could be fixed by removing all traces of Cerberus logos from it. Soon.

"I've been looking over the dossiers. I'd strongly recommend starting by acquiring Mordin Solus, the Salarian doctor on Omega. We know the Collectors use advanced technology to immobilize their victims. A countermeasure for that would go a long way."

Aaand Miranda had to interrupt his introspective mode.

"At least you phrased it as a recommendation this time. Good girl, you can be taught."

Miranda's face couldn't decide between joy at the praise, or anger at the put-down.

' _And there's the daddy issues showing.'_ thought Shepard in amusement.

This amusement was shattered on hearing another voice, with a rather… synthetic tonality to it.

"Acquiring Professor Solus seems like the most logical place to start."

Whirling around to see a blueish-violet thingy on the galaxy map edge, Shepard questioned, "Who are you?"

"I am the Normandy's artificial intelligence. The crew like to refer to me as EDI."

"An AI? Helmsmen aren't happy when someone takes control of a ship away from them. Especially Joker. Also, why would you think _I_ would be okay with having an AI on my ship?"

"I do not helm the ship. Mr. Moreau's talents will not go to waste. During combat, I operate the ship's electronic warfare and cyberwarfare suites. Beyond that, I cannot interface with the ship's systems. I observe and offer analysis and advice. Nothing more."

After saying that, the blue holographic things that was apparently EDI minimized itself, like programs on those vintage operating systems.

' _Huh. Not quite what I was expecting, but we'll see.'_

Turning back to the strippers, Shepard continued, "So where's the rest of the crew? It takes more than just Joker to pilot a ship."

Miranda answered promptly,"The Normandy has a full crew. They're at their stations, awaiting your orders."

Joker interjected over the intercom, "Final preparations are complete Commander. Pick the destination from the CIC, and I'll plot a course."

"We should get back to our posts, Commander. Find us there if you have any questions", came from Miranda who walked away after. Jacob followed suit after snapping a crisp salute to Shepard.

As Shepard walked to the CIC galaxy map, a redhead interacting with a console next to it turned to him, saluted (rather sloppily in his opinion) and said, "I'm Yeoman Kelly Chambers. I've been assigned as your administrative assistant. I'll manage your messages, and help you monitor the crew. And I must say, it's such an honour to to work under you, Commander Shepard."

This brought Shepard up short. Did she just add emphasis to "under you" in her introduction? Since it was accompanied by an eye flick down under, Shepard was willing to believe so. Well, Shepard supposed he could give her a pass for it, females tended to have it worse when it came to elevator eyes- Did she just lick her lips?

'… _.. I need an adult? Or I could get laid. Two years is quite a while.'_

"I'm glad to have you on the team Ms. Chambers."

"Please, call me Kelly."

"Okay Kelly."

This was followed by a slightly disturbing (to Shepard) smile? This smile more than anything else, brought what Shepard referred to as Operation Drenched Stick, to a grinding halt. See, all his life, Shepard followed a singular rule when it came to entanglements of the physical sort.

Don't put your stick in crazy.

Now it wasn't that alarms were blaring in his head, no, it was just a feeling he got from that interaction. Well then, further observation was required before this operation could move forward.

"Is there anything I should know?"

"You have unread messages at your private terminal, and Joker would like to speak to you on the bridge. Anything else, Commander?"

"Do you have a moment to talk?"

"I always have time for you, Commander."

' _This could go very good, or very bad.'_

"What are your responsibilities?"

"I'll keep you notified of any messages or appointments you may have. If any of the crew has important business to discuss, I'll make sure you know."

"A VI can do those tasks though."

"Yes, but that's just my official role. Unofficially, my role is to observe the crew. This is necessary given how risky our mission is. That's a lot of pressure. I have a degree in Psychology. I'm good at sensing when people are overly taxed."

"So you're a counselor then? Good to know. That'll be all, Yeoman."

"Yes Commander."

' _Well'_ , Shepard mused as he set course to Omega from the galaxy map, _'I should do a checklist. Check for demanded weapons, shake answers out of Anderson, buy older weapons from the quarians just to fuck with Timmy boy,…. I may actually need to note this down somewhere.'_

Some galaxies away, the Illusive Man had a sudden urge to check the Cerberus funds.

* * *

So hey, it's been a while. I'm sorry this isn't quite as good as I had hoped; I really need to play the game again instead of using playthrough videos.

I'm hoping the quality will increase again after this somewhat filler chapter once we're on Omega.

Reviews and suggestions are always welcome, thank you.


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